


My drops of tears I'll turn to sparks of fire

by BelleLorage



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: A study on how Steve Rogers deals with his feelings., Because Steve loves Tony, But then Bucky happens, Loki is Not Amused, M/M, Sam helps too, Steve deals with it, Steve needs some love, The starting point is Tony Stark, Thor helps out, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony breaks Steve's heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-03
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-29 18:59:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5138969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelleLorage/pseuds/BelleLorage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable."</p>
<p>Bruce Lee</p>
<p>After Peggy and after the ice, Steve never thought he could feel love again. He was wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My drops of tears I'll turn to sparks of fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> un betaed

It wasn't hard to fall in love with Tony Stark. 

After losing Peggy, he thought his heart was lost. The world had spun and gone on without him. The only person that had ever truly loved him; that had ever truly wanted him, Steve Rogers, instead of Captain America, had had a whole life without him. He was so proud of her. Truly. All he’d ever wanted was for her to be happy and she had been. But he hadn’t been the one to make her so. He’d missed out. He’d had his chance. He had a date. He had been too late.

But then… There was Tony.

The man was almost biblical in how amazingly attractive he could be. His smile was like the tower of fire that guided Moses beyond Egypt, through the sea and the desert, chasing away the shadows of doubt and loneliness that one could feel in this strange, strange new world. One could pass a lifetime trying to capture that smile and still fail. With his smile… He could make anyone happy. His eyes shined like the light the God Almighty himself, showing his brilliance to the entire world; his mind… What he could create…. It filled every hole that Time left behind with their incandescent glow, chasing away the darkness within. Those eyes, when they gazed at you, they made you feel like you were the only person that mattered in the whole world. Those beautiful brown eyes, flecked with pieces of gold, were one of the most beautiful things Steve had ever seen. It was inspiring, just to see him happy. He was beautiful in the way artists for the Renaissance thought angels would be. It kind of took your breath away. He was proud and fair like Solomon himself. And he knew it. He was funny and he was alive. He was just… He was perfect.

So no, it wasn’t hard at all for Steve to love him just for that.

But Tony went beyond just the simple platonic musings of thawed super soldier. Steve wanted to be in his life. After almost a century lost, a man has little to hold onto. It hurt to admit it but it was true. Whatever life he had, whatever dreams he had dreamed… They were gone. They died with him in the ice. Nothing was familiar to the Captain in this new world. Everything had changed too much. Everything, that is, except the name “Stark”. So… Steve held on to him. Like a drowning man holds on to a life preserver in the middle of a storm, praying to God that the waves would cease and the thunder would stop. Everything was so loud and so chaotic! It was a wonder to him that anything got done. So hot and confusing! He’d get lost on even concepts that were now norms. So he held on tight and tried his hardest to get to know this beautiful person that only knew of him, of Steve Rogers, because of a long dead friend. After all, without a safe haven, no ships can sail; no life can grow; no soldier can fight. If he was going to fight for something in this strange new world, it might as well be for this shining light that erased, even if for a while, his own darkness.

And Tony accepted him. Against all odds, Tony seemed to want Steve by his side! As a friend, by his side… Fighting the good fight against the evils that Steve thought to have killed over seventy years ago. And… As a lover, sharing his bed whenever Tony could spare a moment. 

He’d still blush remembering their first kiss. Tony’s fire melting away the ice in his heart. Tony had captured his cheeks, pulling him down on day, out of the blue, making him dip his head and took from the soldier the third kiss of his whole life. Despite being taller and broader, Steve was completely at Stark's mercy. Tony kissed him like he was all he wanted. And Steve returned it, dazed and warm, letting Tony control the pace and depth as his strong arms slid around the billionaire's waist, pulling him closer and cherishing the feel of him. He'd been dreaming about this for quite some time. Their breaths mingled. And Steve was lost forever.

He’d still sigh touching the places where only Tony had touched before. His hands kept caressing each new patch of skin revealed as they undressed. Tony guided him to his bed and continued to touch him, running his hands up his abdomen, across his chest, tracing his broad shoulders and trim waist. He just couldn't let go. Steve didn't want him to. It soothed something inside him to have this, so slow and purposeful. It was his first time with anyone and Tony made him feel appreciated, wanted and even... Loved. He stole Steve's breath away with hard kisses and sure touches, pinning him down and riding him so sweet and tight. Their bodies moved like they were made for one another. Touching and kissing. Taking and giving. It felt so right. It was like… It was made to be. They made love many times after that one first glorious time, in so many ways it still got him dizzy just thinking about it and so many places that Steve is quite sure that somewhere in SHIELD there are tapes of them rutting against eachother in almost every office of theirs they have ever been. Tony was just… He was just too good. Too perfect. Steve loved him too much. He never wanted it to end.

And then, he had to open his stupid mouth.

Why did he have to open his stupid mouth?

You see, though they slept together, they never actual slept. Whenever they were done making love, Tony would just… Leave. It hurt. Of course, it hurt but Steve thought he understood. The man was a genius, after all. And he had his own company. And he was a hero. There just weren’t so many hours in the day to do everything he had to do and be with the soldier. So he understood. He did. He just didn’t like it.

He missed Tony. He missed his light and his smile and the way those eyes shined when Steve remembered a reference the inventor made. Like a moth to a flame, Steve greedily wanted that fire all to himself. He wanted to burn forever and never feel ice again.

And in the middle of night, Tony’s fire burned him so intensely that when he left, Steve was only ash. He missed him. In his bed of cinders, he wondered if Tony missed him too.

And… You see… Though Steve loved Tony with all his might, they hadn’t actually had any conversations about what they were to one another. They had sex, they talked about the world, about life and their interests. They’d made fun of eachother and make silly jokes. Tony would come to his apartment in the Tower and eat dinner or lunch that Steve was preparing. Tony would present him with the XXI century’s idea of music and they’d watch movies together. But Tony would never stay. They never did say “I love you”. They did not sleep in the same bed. They had no label. And don’t get him wrong! Steve loved what they had. It made him… Alive. Alive in a way that he never thought he could again. But he wanted… More.

Like an addict. He just needed a little more. Just a little more. To get him through the night.

He wanted to cuddle, to feel Tony’s body entwine with his own; the weight of him in the Captain’s arms. Safe in his arms. Protected in his arms. To smell his perfume the first thing in the morning, and see that drowsy smile that filled him with purpose and joy. He wanted to kiss Tony in public and hold his hand. He wanted to be able to present him as his sweetheart. He wanted to take him on a date. He wanted to dance with Tony and feel that same sync they had whn they made love guide their steps.

He wanted Tony to stop making jokes about having sex with their friends. He wanted Tony to stop calling Bruce and Clint “the love of his life”. He wanted to be the only one that he called “beloved”. He wanted to be his one and only.

He wanted to say: “I love you”.

He wanted to hear it back. 

So, one day, after an intense debate of what the proper toppings a pizza should have and gorging themselves in three different super-sized cheese filled New York giant pizzas, Steve decided to ask. 

Tony was half passed out on the Captain’s lap, slipping channels on the television, trying to decide what they should watch as they nursed their food babies (his words, not Steve’s) and Steve was patting untamed hair, trying to get it just right.

“Tony…” He calls, capturing his attention by stroking the side of his face, making him look up. He’s so handsome! Steve just wants to kiss him again and again until they are both breathless.

“Yes, my Bomb Pop?” Steve didn’t get the reference but he smiles anyway.

“Tony…” He takes a deep breath, gathering up his courage to ask: “We’re dating… Right?” It’s a horrible way to start but Steve doesn’t really know how things are done in the future. He knows that people don’t wear eachother’s high school rings anymore and relationships are different now. But his mother always said it’s always best to be honest so he figures it’s ok, just as long as he’s careful not to be too blunt and willing to apologize for any faux-pas.

Tony’s reaction, however, is not at all what he expected. "No one dates in the XXI century, Cap" Tony laughs slightly, leaning against Steve's lap.

"What?" Steve blinks, confused. No. No that doesn't seem right. He's seen people dating. Feeling a hand clenching his chest, Steve clears his throat and hopes that Tony is just joking. "But I thought-- I thought we... Were..."

"Wait." Tony blinks, as if suddenly realizing what they're really talking about. "W-why? Do you want to?" Those beautiful eyes, so warm and bright, glaze over and that smile that was his… Well, it seemed frozen. "Go full on monogamy?" Is the whispered final response that escapes from his stiff lips.

“Yeah...” Is the only thing Steve can say back to that, dread slowly rising through his veins, filling him heart with doubt and ice. “Is… Is that wrong?” He tries, eyes a little wider as Steve attempts to read Tony’s stony face.

Something passes over his expression, something very ugly and terrorizing and Steve wants to take it back. He wants to unsay what was said, to make it better, whatever he did wrong. He wants to apologize and go back to five minutes ago when Tony was happy. When they were happy. "No, no, of course not." Tony says, stiff as a board, looking away from him and virtually ending the subject by changing it to the real life drama shows on tv and how nobody wants that. The mood, however, is gone.

He touches Tony's shoulder once but gets brushed off. He strains to speak but Tony there are no words. Minutes pass in the awkward silence until Tony decided it's time to go. Steve tries to protest, tries to ask him to stay but Tony just repeats: “I gotta go.” Steve tries to follow but Tony turns and leaves. He leaves and he doesn't look back.

He leaves and he never comes back.

Days pass. Steve tries to talk to Tony again but he's always too busy to talk. He doesn't even stay in the Tower anymore. Or if he does, he leaves no sign of himself that Steve can hold onto. Steve feels like he's trying to track a ghost, feeling the walls for the warmth that came from Tony's particular brand of light.

Maybe he burned too quick. He wasn’t as interesting to Tony as Tony was to him. He was just Captain America, collector’s item number one. An interesting bed fellow to talk about in the future. Or maybe… Maybe it never was meant to be? He had read in past of such loves. Passing things that change you and leave. Maybe that’s what he was. Maybe he was like a shooting star in Tony’s sky, bright and quickly forgotten. The thought hurt, though. He didn’t want that. He just—Well… Whatever it was, he’s been burned too deep. The mark of Stark is now forever engrained in his heart. It stings everytime he sees Tony with some new girl or boy, smiling that bright charming smile of his and looking at them like they were his number one gal. Ash bleeds out of his heart every night, alone in cold (so cold) sheets.

Steve doesn’t know what he did wrong. It wasn't hard to fall in love with Tony Stark. Tony smiled at the world and the world fell in love with him. It was inevitable.

Looking at Tony, seeing him smile to the team and make his little jokes, Steve can’t think straight. Maybe. Maybe—It hurt, but maybe that was it, wasn’t it? May he did... Misunderstand? He really didn’t comprehend this new world all too well. Was this… His fault? Did he read too much into it? It wasn't hard to fall in love with Tony Stark, after all. It was easy like breathing.

Weeks pass and Tony never looks him in the eye again. Sure, he still respects him. Sure they still work together. But Tony isn’t there anymore. He looks his way. He talks at him. Never to him. They are colleagues and nothing more. And… It hurts. It hurts so much. Never to see those eyes or that smile aimed at him again. He misses him so much. But Steve guesses it was his fault. It wasn't hard to fall in love with Tony Stark. But he should have known better. Even if just his presence would make any sane person swoon. Tony is stiff near him and Steve feels guilty. They never said I love you. Tony made him no promises. They never even went on a date. This was his fault. It was all his fault. It wasn’t hard to see. What was hard, though, really, really hard, was to know that Tony Stark didn’t love him.

He wasn’t special.

He wasn’t the One.

Tony smiled to a reporter, jumping in front of the Captain to flirt and Steve sighed. No. What was hard, truly, was to know that he never would be.

**Author's Note:**

> Second or third time writting straight in english.   
> Comments and critiques are welcome


End file.
